The beautiful actress spoke with Stella Dimoko Korkus about her recent marriage break-up
Quite an interesting read...
Tell us why your marriage crashed and what you didn’t do right
Firstly I didn’t plan for what happened to me. Secondly, marriage is a beautiful thing and I have always loved the marriage institution. Right from when I was 18yrs old, I had always wanted to get married; unfortunately I ended up with someone I thought was the right person. I tried all my best to make sure that I stayed put in my marriage even when all the odds were against me. I wanted to stay put in my marriage, carry my shoulders high and act like everything was normal but things went from bad to worse. It was all constant misunderstanding and quarrelling which is normal in every marriage but not being able to sort it out as two mature people, it was just the kind of issues most marriages have but ours just got out of hand and that’s why I am where I am today. You ran out of your marriage. At what point did you decide you couldn’t take it anymore?
Let me tell you the truth, there were signs of violence when we were courting. You know when you fall in love with someone you just met and feel he is the one you want to be with, regardless of both our shortcomings, women we have this tendency of not facing the truth and the harsh reality that this thing can remain and become a problem if you remain with this person. I am a woman who sticks to something once i make up my mind to do it no matter what, which is not very good because you have to place yourself in a place of reason so that when your mother or older ones tell you, something is not good for you, you listen but I didn’t listen saw a bright future with him. i didn’t want to be concerned with his short comings, especially when he gets angry and wants to get violent, I just thought that the maturity that marriage brings would change him but he didn’t change. At a point I wanted to leave 2yrs after we got married but i thought about my family thought about my friends, especially as I was warned to look before leaping, I thought about that and then I thought about myself. I kept thinking how people would look at me if I left the marriage, people were already saying actresses could not keep their marriages considered a lot of things and so I stayed and prayed he would change but it got worse instead, so I began to pray, I wanted God to bless me with a child that would give me joy and maybe bring back some sanity into the marriage. I wanted a child to give me hope and make me stop thinking about the things I could no longer bear. when my baby arrived felt things would change for the better, I thought the cry of a baby in our home would make things better, I thought we would become more mature and concentrate on the baby but this didn’t happen, he didn’t change and I knew deep within me that if things didn’t change I would leave him. Six months ago after we had a very serious altercation I decided to leave.
We hear he was giving your money to other girls.that you both shared a joint account and his girlfriends were enjoying your hardwork and that was part of the problem.
Point of correction, we never shared a joint account. I need to make that clear. The bible says we should be submissive to our husband and that was what I did. His money was my money and mine was his. If he was giving it to his women I didn’t think that was the problem. I didn’t think that was an issue, if there was basic understanding between us, I wouldn’t even know that these were the things he was doing, yes he was paying for girls I heard but if there was love, he wouldn’t even do these things, love covers a multitude of sins my sister. I would have forgiven him and just let it go.Why do you think Segun was beating you so much? Was there something you were doing that made him loose his grip on sanity and beat you?
There are issues he could not deal with and I guess he got his release from beating. At first it used to shock me but later I used to run for cover and I used my child as a shield to stop him but he would beat me and the child mercilessly as well. I never used to talk back at him or provoke him because I knew that would amount to my being beaten and I used to avoid that. Segun got his kicks from beating me and the baby, maybe it was a normal thing to do for him. anyway like I said, it got worse and I ran!
You are now officially single again, how does that make you feel?
Mixed feelings. I am happy that I came out of that marriage with my whole body intact. I didn’t loose an eye, a leg or a hand and my baby is intact as well and nothing happened to her physically or mentally. There are challenges as a single woman, you and I know that. I am satisfied with where I am right now. I am happy with where God has brought me and I am happy I had the strength to walk away from what was happening to me before it was too late to do so.
Now that you are out from this marriage without loosing any body part, how would you want to help people who are going through the same thing you went through but cannot break free because they are not financially or emotionally strong?
Marriage is a very sensitive thing, it is only you, on your own you will just get up and ask God what is this? What happened to me? I used to look at myself in the mirror and say God I am better than this, take me out of this misery, I used to talk to the mirror. I wasn’t myself anymore, I was beginning to believe in the lies the marriage told me. I was telling myself that maybe I wasn’t normal, maybe I was useless, maybe I was mad. So many maybes. I didn’t listen to my mum, my brothers and sisters or my uncle. They allowed me to go in and be happy and make it right but it didn’t turn out right. So on my own nobody told me, I just carry my pikin and run! I cant tell the next person what to do because no marriage is the same. If you are being beaten, molested or whatever just talk to God and apply wisdom. I really want to do something later, maybe a talk show or an NGO, I want to go out there and fight for women who are being molested in their marriages but right now I want to get my act together first.
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Of everything Monalisa said, what stood out for me the most was - 'There were signs of violence when we were courting'
Signs in courtship! I think a lot of us women live in denial. We see these signs but because of our desperation to marry or maybe because of our 'deep' love for the man, we lie to ourselves. We think marriage or children will change him. You can't change a man. He is what he is. Take it or leave it.
I was in a relationship that was pretty awful and I used to tell myself once we get married everything will change. Then one day my mum said to me - 'If the relationship is bad, marriage will be worse'.
This is something we women need to understand. If he's cheating on you when you are dating, the number of women will increase when you are married! If he's slapping you when you are dating, he will punch you in the face when you are married. Marriage doesn't solve anything. It doesn't necessarily have to get worse, but it doesn't get better either. The 'man' you are dating, is the 'man' you will be married to. You just have to decide whether you can deal with 'who he is' for the rest of your life - or not!
What do you ladies think of what I wrote?
PS. To buttress Monalisa's point... if you are being beaten or molested or whatever, talk to God - on your way out of the door...:-)
