About a month ago or so, a very good friend of mine who’s also a dedicated reader of this blog told me that I’m not as open as I used to be in my writings. For those who have been reading my blog since 07, you will recall I used to be very open about the happenings in my life. I could write about anything with no fears. Like I always say and one of the reasons I’m comfortable being a blogger and exposing myself to the world is; there’s no truth you can write about me that I can’t write about myself. Forget some people writing stuff about me that aren’t true; when it comes to the truth and very intimate details about my life, I can be very open. But after I started hearing, she talks too much, she’s a careless writer and after Encomium magazine started calling me garrulous Linda (go check the dictionary meaning of garrulous -not nice), I kind of decided to be a bit more careful about the sort of info I put on the web. I started holding back a little; not giving most of myself.
I miss writing that way, just as I am sure some of you miss reading Linda’s sincere thoughts. So we will do it with this post. I am going to be as open as I once was; and for those who are new to my blog, I hope I don’t shock you too much. When I want to be open, I go all out, so brace yourselves :-).
I call this my worries. We all have worries. No matter how much we try to pretend or push it aside, there are people, things and issues in our lives that keep us from attaining that ultimate happiness. I am not talking about worries that lead to depression, anger, frustration, deep fear or confusion; just that tiny bit of ‘something’ that refuses to go away until you deal with it.
I am going to deal with mine by writing about it here
Here are present worries and I write this with all sincerity...
*I am worried about being single...I will be 29 in a couple of months and I am not close to being married. There have been suitors naturally; in fact I recently turned down an expensive ring; and I did that because I realised I was more interested in the ring than the man. When he said spend the night with me, I sighed. Then I thought; if I can’t imagine spending a night with him, how in the world can I spend my forever with him? When I explained it to a friend, she said to give it a chance; he will grow on you she promised. Grow on me? If he hasn’t grown on me in five months, I don’t see how he will grow on me in five years. But then again, I’ve always been worried I am too naive. Maybe that’s the way it works? Maybe sparks, passion and being insanely in love with someone before you marry them aren’t that common in real life? Maybe it only happens in romantic movies and pages of romantic novels? Someone told me that love is not the biggest factor for people getting married these days. Should I marry someone I don’t love and expect him to grow on me? What if that never happens? And the biggest issue with me is that I am built in a way that I can’t let a man I’m not convinced I am ‘in love’ with, touch me. So how does that work for me? How do I let him in? I want it all, the fireworks, the burning passion, the ‘madness’ et al, before settling down. I want to love a man beyond telling, beyond everything, before saying ‘I do’. I am worried I am looking for much more than there is to find. *
*I am worried I’ve never been in love. Have I believed I was in love? Yes! Have I been infatuated? A few times! But have I ever really been in love? If you’d asked me this a year or two ago, I probably would have said yes. But now I’m not so sure. Early this year I watched ‘Madea’s Family Reunion’ and there was this scene towards the end of the movie where Boris Kodjoe’s character said some things to his female love interest. He said a lot, but what stood out for me was when he looked deep into her eyes and said “I pray for you before I pray for myself. And when I am with you, my world is okay’. I’ve never looked into any man’s eyes and felt that way. I’ve never prayed about a particular man, ever. I mean I pray about finding Mr Right and stuff, but I’ve never taken a name to God. No man has ever had that strong effect on me. I’ve gone on a few dates with guys and when I’m sitting across them in a restaurant, half the time I can’t wait to leave, some I’ve enjoyed being with, in fact one I enjoyed kissing, but there was always something missing. You know that feeling of being so in love you can’t swallow food when you are around them because you have no appetite; they’re food enough for you. You are so crazy about someone your heart is filled with thoughts of them, even when you are with them. You feel like you can’t go another day without seeing or talking to them. I’ve never felt that way before and that’s what I am looking for. If you have found love and truly feel this way about your partner, then count yourself lucky and do everything in your power to hold onto that love. Because what you’ve found is still a dream for some of us. *
*I am worried about sex...or the lack of it. I haven’t had sex in a couple of years now. OK, press STOP. Rewind. Does couple mean two? If yes, then that’s what I mean. If no, then I meant to say two years. That’s wild huh? And probably unbelievable, but it’s true. That’s out of choice really. Good men and true love may be scarce but not d**ks. Oh, you can get that anytime. Men will gladly offer that to you. “Want some d**k on the rocks? On the double?” lol. I just made up my mind after my last sexual relationship not to give it up again until I see a ring I want to keep. If you want the milk, you’re going to have to buy the cow eh?. Not necessarily until the wedding night, just after I know that’s definitely happening...I don’t know, maybe like some weeks to the wedding?, or something like that. But then again you never really know; maybe I’ll meet someone and fall so deep I don’t remember I’m supposed to wait. But for now the plan is to wait, and so far I’ve stuck with that plan, but what worries me is that it might be a long wait...because I’ve been turning down marriage proposals like I have all the time in the world. But then again, I don’t want to wake up one day, look at the man lying next to me and ask; what have I done?. *
*I am worried I have never had an orgasm. Maybe that’s why I am not so big on sex. Maybe that’s why I can go for this long and not be bothered about it. Sometimes I don’t remember it until I see something of a sexual nature, then I remind myself that I am woman with a vagina...that’s not in use at the moment...lol. I was circumcised, even though I hear that doesn’t prevent orgasm from taking place. Well, for me to really determine if I’ve ever had an orgasm, you’d have to describe it to me. What am I supposed to feel? How is it supposed to affect me? Toes curled, your heart beating in your head? Feels like your body is about to explode? Describe it please, and then I’ll tell you. I enjoy the whole intimacy thing, like kissing (I cant get enough of that...lol) and touching, and him going down there, oh especially that, chai!...lol. But penetration is another matter...but I have faith. Hopefully one day I’ll find a guy who will make me eat my words. I worry about how long that ‘one day’ will take. *
*I am worried that I am getting too old to live at home. The plan has always been to move from my father’s house to my husband’s house, but as husband never come, wetin woman go do? :-). I am thinking of moving out, but living alone worries me. It really does. *
* I am worried about my lack of interest to travel abroad. I’ve had a few invitations, some from readers of this blog sef :), but I’ve never done anything about. This particular friend has been trying to get me to visit the UK since last year, and he hasn’t succeeded. He doesn’t even talk to me anymore sef...lol. I am worried that I don’t know the location of any embassy in this country and it doesn’t bother me. I am worried that’s not normal. *
*But most of all I am worried about being put on a pedestal. It’s one of the hardest things of all. People expect so much from you and not being able to live up to that expectation. I am worried about letting people down. So much is expected of me, at home, at work, with friends, even here on this blog. Someone threatened to stop coming to this blog if I don’t bring more Naija news, I went out and got more softsell mags because I don’t want to let my readers down or loose them. I’m worried a lot of people rely so much on me, to solve their problems, to motivate, inspire and give them a shoulder to cry on. No one asks if I need a shoulder myself. And because I’ve been put on that pedestal, I act like I don’t need it, but I do. Sometimes it’s too much. The pedestal is sometimes too high. People expect me to succeed so that can give them hope. So I pressure myself. Friends have given up on me because I don’t communicate with them like I should, not understanding how much of a struggle every day is for me, and how much I’d appreciate it if they would just reach out instead of being angry. Someone called me her hero recently. I’m no hero I said to her; I’m just a young lady still trying to find her feet, trying to build a business in such a difficult terrain. Sometimes I’m lost and confused and need guidance. I don’t know it all, but how do you say that when you’ve been placed so highly? How?
I really worry!
***
That’s most of my worries summarised in one post. Thanks for reading it.
I’ll recommend this to everyone with worries. Share it. It’s therapeutic.
So I’ve bared my soul to you guys, write anything you want but please be nice :-)
Quote of the day
We all have our trials and tribulations; for some of us, it kills us. For others, we deal with it the best we can. But for all of us to stay sane, we all have to believe that God knows what he’s doing in our lives. So stay strong and have faith. Faith is believing when there’s nothing else you can do.
~Linda
