(A proposal I wrote at work today after going through some insane questioning and investigations).
I figured since we do it anyways, we may as well acknowledge it and make it policy. I'm proposing the formation of a new committee called the "Armchair Quarterback Committee" or the "Second Guess Committee" or the "You should'ves."
Their job will be to review everything that goes wrong and then come up with trite sayings that begin with things like "You should've" and "Why didn't you...." and to develop a complete and complex defense of nonsensical yet plausible rhetoric against any reasonable explanation as to why something didn't happen when individuals fall short in job performance.
The sayings will then be mailed to the person who's being "Second guessed," pinned up in employee areas and even used in group discussions against them. The "Armchair Quarterbacks" will be responsible for coordinating group social attacks against the offender and dispiriting them so they will never want to try again. The individual will then be held accountable for "not wanting to try" and their patriotism and value as a human being will then be publicly ridiculed and called into question - also coordinated by the committee - and reflected in their employee evaluations.
The goal will be to inhibit all progress, stifle discussion, create fear of initiative of all action, while simultaneously creating a fear of inaction, and ultimately to make people question their sanity. They are to present a united front as if the individuals are stupid for even expecting things to be "normal" or "make sense" and present a front and an appearance that everyone in the world BUT THEM agrees with what's being done - while trying to keep people on board the company and increase retention. Stoking fears of unemployment and prohibiting them from experiencing the freedom of unemployment by demoralizing peoples' sense of self worth so it would be pointless to try elsewhere to look for a job will be a key component of the committee.
The Armchair Quarterbacks should also review training to make sure that standards are ambiguous and open to interpretation and help prevent clear feedback or clarification of any policies from being given. This is to create a wealth of situations in which the Armchair Quarterbacks' will be able to best do their work.
Applicants for this committee should have no personal values whatsoever other than antagonism, any hints of empathic ability should automatically disqualify them from joining, Axis II personality disorders are strongly encouraged to apply, fast speakers, having a complete inability to be affected by logic, reason or sense, being able to be easily bought off - the lower the price the better are also strongly desired traits - all while maintaining an air of moral superiority even in the light of glaring deficiencies.
Successful members of the Armchair Quarterbacks will be especially eligible for supervisory positions and senior management and all other requirements for leadership positions may be waived upon having demonstrated competence within the armchair quarterbacks after 1 year on the committee.
